As any one of you may know, I have struggled with weight issues as long as I can remember. I remember being bigger than healthy since 4th grade. I was terrified of doing the bus evacuations, not because we were jumping out of the back of the bus, but because older boys were the ones that were helping. I remember being 88 pounds at one point that year.
To make a long story a little shorter, I've been overweight for too long. Many women hide their weight, but I don't. Yes, at my size, it is embarrassing, but you really can't hide what everyone can see. Sure, you can minimize, but you can't hide it. Though I try not to let a number define me, it is part of me. This is me. I am real. So here goes.
I don't want to use having children as an excuse for being big. I know one thing for sure, I want to use having children as an excuse for getting healthy. I want to keep up with them, and set a good example for them. They eat a pretty healthy diet, with some junk or sugar added in.
When I got pregnant with Cassie, I was around 180 and ended at 230 after 42 weeks. Oiy! I used the classic excuse, "I'm eating for two." Well, by the time I was about 7 or 8 months along, I was asked several times if I was sure it was just one baby in there. Of course that's what every pregnant woman wants to hear. (That was sarcasm.)
I got down to about 200 when I got pregnant with Sarah, and I was "feeling it" a bit more. My hips were sore sooner and though I didn't have trouble falling asleep, I was stiff getting out of bed. My feet would ache and my hips and back needed a daily alignment. That pregnancy ended at 41 weeks, 1 day, with me weighing an unwelcomed, yet familiar 230.
Going into my pregnancy with Julianne, I was determined to eat better, and not gain as much weight. Well, I succeeded, even though I felt like a failure. I gained less than 20 pounds, but I started out heavier. I was about 232 or so, and ended at 250. Even though I gained quite a bit less, my body was screaming at me every morning when I maneuvered to get out of bed. My hips were sore much sooner than with Sarah. My feet ached worse than before. It usually took a great deal of effort to get my pants and socks on while my joints were still stiff from sleeping.
Fast forward a bit: January 8th of 2011, 236.8 pounds, I was gung hoe to get my rear in gear and lose weight, and I did. I was counting calories, running and cross-country skiing while the snow lasted. March 18th, I weighed in at 222.4. I was proud of myself for doing it the right way with diet and exercise. (Notice I didn't say "a" diet, but diet.) For some reason, I get it in my head that I can maintain my progress and I don't need to log my food, to keep my caloric intake in check. I guess I get overly confident, stop recording my food, and slowly, my portions get out of whack and snacks here and there add up. Again. I was eager to exercise outside during the summer, so I stopped running on the treadmill, and I never really got into a routine outside. Julianne's naptime was often the time I would run and shower, but as we moved into summer, I was getting my garden ready, and then the typical summer maintenance was underway. I also watched a video called "The Gerson Miracle" and "The Beautiful Truth", which completely derailed my thinking, and my diet. As a part of my low calorie choices, I would eat greek yogurt with granola for breakfast, or oatmeal and berries for breakfast. I felt like I was at a complete loss of what to do. I have found over the years that when I am faced with choices, I have a hard time making a decision. I have also come to realize, that my indecision, was infact making a decsion. So I kinda gave up.
The next weight I have recorded on my "myfitnesspal" account is on September 27th, at 242.8. Wow! Really?! I gained 20 pounds in 6 months. Lame. November 26th, I was an even 245. Maybe I was fluffing up so I would have a bigger loss. (Ok, not really.) We decided around that time to head to California to pick up a van, drive to Washington and then drive the Alcan back home after visiting my family along the way, taking about 2 weeks to do it. When we arrived back home, I was eager for the new year to start. I wasn't looking for a reason to start, but I needed a reason not to. New year, new beginnings, new life. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I thought about calorie counting, but I really didn't feel like doing that. I figured I would try something that worked for me when I was just out of 7th grade, as well as when I was a "young" adult. That summer, at age 13, I lost 30 pounds, going from 156 to 126. Yes, I remember it, like it was yesterday. Two guys who had bullied me for years even commented that I looked really good. The method that brought the weight loss was called the "Carbohydrate Addicts Diet". It was a lot like the Atkins Diet...from what I hear. Never did that one, so I'm not sure of the details. For the one I did, I would have 4 carbohydrates or less for breakfast, and 4 carbohydrates or less for lunch, and then for dinner, I could have anything I wanted, within 1 hour. As far as losing weight goes, it works. As far as learning how to be disciplined in your eating habits, it could work, if your dinner was a modest meal, not fulfilling every craving you had during the day.
January 9th, I was ounces under 250. No pregnancy to blame the weight on. Just me. I felt sick about myself. I felt helpless and out of control. I have raised my kids to eat pretty good meals and snacks, never really telling them no to fruits or veggies, unless they weren't ripe on the vine yet, or for my oldest, limiting her to about 20 grape tomatoes a day. She can go through a Costco box in 2 days if I let her. Any how, I would pretty much always have a handful of this snack or that treat whenever I was getting it for them, even if I wasn't hungry.
In the past I had done a Bible Study called The Lord's Table, from a website
www.settingcaptivesfree.com. It was a great study, though I didn't get all the way through it. I think of what I learned in that, often. One of the things it talked about, and I have to remind myself of, is that Jesus suffered so much for me, and I'm not willing to sacrifice a little for Him. It is actually kind of a foreign concept for me to feel hunger. I would always stock the diaper bag with snacks "for the kids", and I would never let myself feel the slight discomfort of being hungry.
So anyhow, I started with the low carb breakfast and lunch (with no snacking!) and indulgent dinners. I boasted quite a few times that I had dessert every night. Every night. I made sure I had cookies, ice cream, or some other sweet treat to sink my teeth into after my dinner, and I did. As of 4/26/12, I was down to 224.4 pounds. I have come to realize lately, through a book, "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat", that I have not been glorifying God with my food choices. Yes, I did great for breakfast and lunch, eating low carb meals consisting of eggs, meat, cheese, cottage cheese, dill pickles and cucumbers, with a couple other variances, but I was definitely not proud of my dinnertimes choices. I started to discover that I didn't like denying myself of fruits and veggies during the day, because the natural sugars in them, put them well over the 4 grams of carbs I was allowing myself for my early meals. I also didn't like my behavior about feeling such an urgency to inhale my main course of dinner so I had enough time to let it settle so that before my hour was up, I could still splurge.
I think I started to feel the convictions of my dinner behaviors after reading about glorifying God with our choices in our daily life, and that includes with our food choices. I read a scripture that I had read and heard many, many times before, as it is the troop scripture for my daughters' American Heritage Girls Troop. But I had never applied it in the context of food. I had never even had the thought of applying that scripture to food, and my choices with food.
Philippians 4:8-9 says, "8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
My choices were not lovely and I definitely didn't wany my children admiring them. I want to be proud of my choices and give glory to my ultimate provider, my gracious king and Lord of my life. I want Him to BE the Lord of my life, not just a convenient God, there when I needed Him and when I wanted to praise Him. Forgive me, Lord, for being a fairweather friend. I always depend on Him, in good and in bad, but I didn't give Him all of me. Food was my control. I will be the first to admit that I am selfish when it comes to food. Whether it would be that I would save the crunchiest piece of chicken for my plate, or the biggest cookie. I put me first. After reading part of the book, "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat", I realized my behavior was not selfless, and serving to others, but selfish, and self-serving, even though I don't think I was obvious about it. Maybe I was.
In the last 3-1/2 months, I have run maybe 5 or 6 times and done 1 work out video. Aside from normal activities, that's all I have done. I do love to run now, though my mind tries to talk me out of it, with the simplest of reasons not to run. I believe that being healthy includes regular exercise, and that's another reason that I have to make another change. I need to be more active. I need to suck it up, and selflessly make a decision to be selfish. In the interest of my family and myself, I need to put everything aside and make time to take care of myself, for me, and for them.
For the last couple weeks, I have felt a pressing feeling to change what I'm doing. I wasn't sure what, until I read a blog about a husband and wife in Kodiak that are doing a juice fast to reboot their systems, and making healthier choices. Check out their journey here:
http://3inspiringsons.com/category/juicing/. So after reading their blogs and watching their nightly update videos, I wanted to revisit a movie I thought I'd already seen. Turns out I hadn't. Amy and her husband Jake watched the documentary "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead", that inspired them to take on a juicing fast for 30 days. I had been reading the blog for a couple days and decided I would do a juice cleanse while Mike is in Germany and Finland for 2 weeks. Yesterday, I watched the movie, about midmorning. I hadn't seen it, like I though I had, but was glad I decided to watch it. After watching it, I decided that I would start juicing one or two meals a day, until Mike leaves, then I will do the full day of juicing. I started with my first juicing yesterday in place of lunch. I had a light, but filling dinner. Today, I have had 3 juices and will have a regular dinner. I need to go to the store and stock up on some more produce, particularly greens. I was not planning on starting to juice, so I am working with what I have.
What's the point? The point is to clean out my system and rid myself of sugar and whatever other junk is in there that my body is hanging onto. After detoxing from sugar, I will have a fresh system, feeling good and ready to reset my eating with more whole foods. I don't plan on going vegan or sugar completely. I do plan on being more cautious about what I put into my body, the temple God has entrusted to me.
"19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. " -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Alright, that was a lot more than I was expecting to write, but I feel the necessity to explain a little of my past, to understand my present, and look forward to my future. I usually weigh myself on Saturdays, so I will post that tomorrow.
Feel free to comment or send me a message. I will try to poste the juicing combos I have for 2 reasons. #1 to share combinations. #2, for me so I can duplicate what I like, and avoid combinations or portions I don't like. Thanks for reading! Pray for me if you feel led to do so. (I will certainly pray for anyone in need, just let me know.) Denying our flesh is not easy, especially when we have been obeying it for so many years.
"Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." ~ Matthew 16:24
Blessings to any and all of you who read this.
Stephanie
Juice #1 on 4/26 (split and enjoyed with Julianne, and tried by Sarah & Cassie)
2 gala apples
2 handfuls of mini carrots
1/2 an english cucumber
Notes: too much carrot for my liking, a little to much apple as well. Ice made it better.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Juice 1
1 apple
1-1/2 handfuls of carrots
1 mandarin
Notes: a little too much carrots still, mandarin helped
Juice 2
1/2 apple
1 handful of carrots
1/4 english cucumber
1/2 cup brocolli florets
Note: I was surprised, but couldn't taste the brocolli. This juice was the best for balance and flavor so far.
Juice 3
1/2 apple
1-1/2 handful of carrots
1/4 english cucumber
1 cup of watermelon
Note: Too much carrot! I will get it right...1 handful seems to be good for me.
